Delicious moments

At times I am loving this lockdown. There are times of sheer joy and I am relishing them.

The other evening there was a short time that could have been from a family in the 70s.  All four of us were in the sitting room, just there.  No TV was on, there was no specific reason for being there we had just gathered in our own sitting room because each of us wanted to hang out.  We sat and chatted, not about anything in particular, just chatted. I am not sure it’s ever happened before, I hope it happens again.

We eat lunch together every single day.  We have never had a holiday longer than two weeks, so this is a record now as we’ve all been here for longer than that (although I have just checked and it’s only two and a half weeks since we’ve all been home).

We laugh every single day.  Without fail.  My offspring are hilarious, I rarely have time to appreciate their humour, some of it is irritatingly silly, but generally they are masters of wisecracks and comic timing.  I get to relish that.

My dog is loving having us all at home.  He is very poorly (that is far from delicious, it’s awful) and may not survive the rest of the lockdown.  He is being very cuddly, we suspect because he feels a bit rough at times.  He comes and asks for cuddles quite frequently during the day.  It is wonderful to be here and able to provide him with the comfort he needs.  Even when he is not in need of a hug, he is loving wandering from room to room and checking what the humans are up to. 

I can be in my space, my house and my garden every single day.  Ok so this is also a pain, obviously.  But you know what – I love my house and my garden. That may change, ask me again in two month’s time and I may have gone off it, but for now, my physical space is absolutely perfect for me.

I have time to do some of the creative stuff I rarely have time to do.  Pottering around with a sewing machine, with some lino cuts, calligraphy pens.  Nothing very serious, but fun to potter.  

I have time to stare at the moon, the sunsets, the birds singing in the garden.  I have time.  What a treat.

Riding the wave

Every day is an emotional roller coaster isn’t it?  In the space of one day one family of four manages to feel anger, fear, boredom, despair, joy, satisfaction, sadness, contentment and goodness knows what else.  We can move from one emotion to the next within minutes.  There is a sense of calm normality too.  All in a day. Pretty much every day.  I am sleeping better than I would ever have expected and I think it is because I am emotionally exhausted by the end of every day.

Fear is a powerful emotion and drives a lot of the negative reactions.  I am scared of people who are just not taking this seriously.  I am discovering that people I thought were sensible intelligent people are just not socially distancing, are not self-isolating when others in the household are ill.  

At the same time, I have various medical friends who are going through hell at work, they are seeing the effects of people not socially distancing, they understand well the need to stay at home.   So I get scared of what still lies ahead of us with a large dose of the fear that comes from being in a vulnerable group who is likely to be very poorly.

In between the very strong waves of fear come the waves of happiness.  For stretches of time I can forget all of this is happening and get immersed in work, or a project, or a family meal, a board game, a film.  Anything.  In those moments we sometimes have a much-heightened sense of the ridiculous – yesterday there was a lot of discussion of the aerodynamic nature of chocolate Easter eggs in order to provide delivery possibilities to those we are not able to spend Easter with.  Moments like that are delicious.  I have had whole conversations on video conferencing platforms where I have forgotten why we are even using video conferencing.

It reminds me of grieving, at times the sense of loss is all consuming, and then you find your mind has put the sadness aside for a few minutes and then it returns and swamps you again.  

As you can possibly tell, yesterday was an emotional day as we dealt with a sense of despair at being distant from normal life, anger that we are personally being put at risk by those who are not taking this seriously, sadness as we have heard of deaths of people we are acquainted with and a sense of satisfaction that the routine is working ok and that we have amazing opportunities that frankly would not exist without a global pandemic. Hopefully today is less negatively emotional, but I am hugely grateful that I really love the people with whom I am getting to spend this time.