There’s nothing good about this

I have used the title phrase so many times this week.  We’re all trying so hard to see positives, but you know, this is not the life any of us have chosen.  Fear is a powerful emotion, as are sadness and grief.  

Being bored is hard when you’re a young person, I know it’s supposed to be good for you, but only in that it creates the impetus to go off and find something else to do.  Your teens and twenties are the time to be curious about the whole world, literally and physically.  This is an utterly awful time for those young folk.  It’s ok that they are frustrated and angry and it’s probably fine that they are hiding their sorrows by diving into far too many video games.

If I hear/read/see more articles about how much I could achieve in this lockdown I will go nuts.  I am not going to come out of here fluent in another language, a virtuoso pianist, a self-sufficient gardener, or owner of a handmade wardrobe.  Because I am still me!  I am still a pedestrian and untalented pianist and am now unmotivated to play and missing my weekly lessons madly.  I can s till only learn and practise languages with other humans, and frankly after a day’s work I cannot be bothered to find the time to learn anything new.  My garden is still a haven for wildlife – my euphemism for a large mess – and any produce will not survive my lack of skills and general garden laziness.  My ability to sew a straight line on a sewing machine, has not changed despite the fact the UK government has mandated I should stay in my house.  Why do I have to emerge from this lockdown as someone changed and improved?  I will emerge the same old flawed me thank you very much.

I am scared and worried despite all the breathing, praying, yoga, meditation – ok ok I should be doing much more of all of those, but social media still exists, as does the news and I want to waste time on them. OK?

And I am really worried about friends and family who are dealing with the home-schooling of children which sounds hideous.  Several friends are dealing with mental health problems, their own and their children’s – all so much harder to deal with in these times.  I have friends who were ill before this started and I am deeply worried about them.  Some have unsupportive families, some are alone.  This is just an awful situation.

I am terrified for my medical friends, literally at times just frozen with fear (yes, yes, these ARE the times I lean into breathing, mindfulness, prayer – the whole caboodle and yes it passes swiftly).  And they are exhausted – it is awful to see and hear.

And in amongst it all we are beginning to apologise for crying, for catastrophising, for not saying the right thing at every right moment, for being angry.  I have been scared to rant as it feels like a genie that needs to stay stuffed in a bottle labelled “finding the positive”.  But this is not positive, this is a global pandemic and there is nothing good about it.

PS Thank you letting me rant, I needed to just say all of this out loud.  I am fine and still finding a ton of positives – like the fact a pair of goldfinches have just been spotted in our garden for the first time.  I adore goldfinches.