Up until now, all of these have been written first thing in the morning. But it’s the busy season at the moment, with various commitments and a lot going on, and frankly sleep is slightly more beneficial than blogging.
But sleep is making me blog this evening instead. Or rather lack of it. I am a great sleeper, it’s definitely my top skill in life. It’s also the canary in the mine of health and wellbeing. If I stop sleeping, there is something wrong. And I stopped sleeping a couple of nights ago, not in a huge way, I just keep waking up. I can drop off again, because I am determinedly not engaging in a thought process, but that ability will wear off as I get more tired, I know. So instead of having the day start with getting thoughts in order, tonight I am going to end the day with this habit.
Now, to work out what is keeping me awake. I think it is an accumulation of things and I don’t really want to give credence to my fears. I am feeling overwhelmed, by a quantity of issues, rather than one thing in particular. I suspect what I am not doing very well is writing down everything I need to get sorted and then working out where to start. In a peculiar way, my fear is writing everything down, because then I may just realise that I can’t do anything.
The problem with feeling overwhelmed is that it becomes harder to find a way to get the job done. I am starting the inevitable downward spiral into feeling that I can’t do anything, I am hopeless at everything, the best thing to do is run away. This is my very typical dramatic catastrophising of everything into something way bigger than it should be. Tonight’s catastrophe is that someone has criticised something I put in place and I feel bad about having to deal with a difficult situation and potentially hurting someone’s feelings. I seem to think that running away will help. I know it won’t, but right now, that flight instinct is huge.
To add some perspective, I have handled the situation well. Two things went wrong tonight on my watch, one was solvable this evening and so it was resolved and hopefully all will be fine. The other issue felt much bigger. So, I did what I will hopefully come to accept was the right thing, I listened to the concerns and I promised to deal with them. And I will deal with it at another time, when I am not feeling overwhelmed, not today.
And meanwhile, I need to remember everything good that happened this evening, because lots did. Perfection is not mine on this occasion, but I need to not forget the good stuff, there was much much more of that than the bad stuff.